After Much Deliberation

I'm back.

If any of my previous readers and viewers are still here, "hi" to you.

Yes, I fell off the face of the earth for a while, but I climbed my way back up and I want to write again.

As you can see, 'Streams' has had a face lift. I was never really satisfied before, and if you have been peaking in the last month or two, you will have seen all my many tinkerings to this blog.

I wanted to create a space that was calming, simple and inviting. I don't know if I quite got it yet, but I think I'm mostly satisfied and I plan to leave things 'as is' and focus now on writing.

So I guess you could say this is the official re-opening of 'Streams'. I hope to move forward from here and really settle in.

See you around?

Let's Be Real

Hello there.

How have you been?

It has been a long time since I last blogged, and I might say in my defence, for good reasons.

But they are my own, so you'll just to trust me on this one.

One reason, I will share with you, truthfully.

Sometimes I just feel it doesn't matter.

My words, my feelings, my blogging.

What does it amount to?

Hours of my life spent in front of a computer screen wearing my eyes out....

and for what reason?

We all of us, sooner or later, have to examine the reasons behind our actions.

And sometimes those reasons lead to further questions, which may lead

to some unsettling answers and ultimately, point out something buried deep

that we may not have know lurked in our heart.

I'm gonna peal back the mask for a moment, not because I want you to feel sorry for me,

or even understand me,

but because we need more real people in this world.

I know I do.

So here goes.

I stopped blogging (in part) because I was discouraged.

Why?

Because is seemed none of it mattered, it wasn't making a difference.

What made you think that?

I have two followers and only a handful of readers.

Which means...?

I'm wasting my time, I'm must not be a very good writer if people won't read it.

Why does it matter if people read it?

Because I want them to.

And why is that?

So I feel like I'm a good writer, like I'm appreciated.

In other words, you write for attention?

NO. No, I'm not like that! You know me, I grew up the shy wallflower, I don't clamor for attention!

But...?

I want others to accept me. To like me.

You have real, present people in your life that accept you, love you.

That's not enough.

Why?

Because- because what if they are wrong? What if they are just being nice?

What makes you think that, why do you doubt others love and acceptance of you?

.....

And this is where the truth hit me, it came flying at me like a rock hurled to the head.

But instead of knocking me blind, it cleared my sight so I could see the real issue.

Because...because I don't like myself. I have never accepted myself, I don't like who I am.

And there you have it.

The whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God.

Yes. Please. Help me God.

We may know the truth of who God says we are, and we may know that others love and accept us.

But we can never accept others until we accept ourselves.

We can't truly love others until we love ourselves.

Flaws and all.

We can't give what we don't have.

So.

That is kind of where I'm at.

I'm a bit of perfectionist, I'm always trying to improve myself, and yes, others.

I'm extremely critical of myself, and secretly of others, though to a far lesser degree.

And it irks me.

God used the book The Bluebird and the Sparrow by Janette Oke to bring this self realization crashing into my heart.

All the way through the book the main character, Berta, drove me crazy.

I got upset with her, and thought she was being stupid and irrational about many things,

making bad decisions out of pain that ultimately resulted in more pain.

In spite of this, I could really identify with some of her feelings and coping mechanisms...

her hurts and how she molded her life and herself based on those wounds.

It was just what I needed to hear.

Amazing how He knows that, isn't it?

Truly, I love writing.

Writing is a release and a way of expressing what I can't say with my tongue.

So I'll keep blogging because I want to write.

Even if no one ever reads it.

I'm restraining myself from re-reading over this post, rewriting it, nitpicking here,

deleting there, because frankly, perfectionism is exhausting.

And besides, this is more of a raw post.

It isn't perfect, I didn't labor hours over the wording and grammar.

As I work, with God's help, to accept myself, just as I am, I think I will learn to accept that too.

~Me~



A New Hat

Hey there everyone!
Just wanted to let y'all know that I started another blog Gladness of Heart.

Why another blog? Well, this new blog will have a different purpose and feel to it, it is intended to be a more lighthearted blog where I can post daily going ons, family news, projects, things that have inspired me and other random things I would like to share!

It is kind of like a different pair of shoes or another 'hat' as they say. Streams in the Wasteland is meant to be a devotional, a spiritual blog, and I just couldn't bring myself to post about anything other than that. I will continue to post here, but I wanted to branch out and not be quite so limited to my posts.

And so, I hope you will visit me at my other blog soon!

God bless.

Oh the Possibilities...

Frustration.

That is what I often feel as a writer who knows I posses the talent, ability and desire to write good words, but alas is often faced with the dilemma of WHAT to write about.  Lack of the inspiration of subject.

Give me a reason to write, an idea, a thought, and I go like the wind. But the wind that blows through my mind is here one moment and gone the next so that I cannot seem to snatch from it a singular subject for which to focus my attentions on.

Much as an artist might be overwhelmed with the sheer amount of beauty and possibility that surrounds him, I can be so overwhelmed with the vastness of possibility that I am often impaled and bound, maybe even more so than if I didn't have anything to write about at all.

Possibility is one of my greatest enemies.

It can be that way in life too….

Too many possibilities can be so crippling they make me crumble in a heap exhausted before even embarking on the journey. I picture it rather like an enormous maze: there are so many winding paths and concealed twists and turns that it nearly short circuits your mind to consider them all. Do you ever feel like that?

I am one of those people that wants to know what is down every road. Choosing one, I would follow it to end's meet simply to know that I have exhausted that one possibility, to have found the end of something, to know it fully is certainty. There is comfort in that.

Absolute freedom of endless possibilities, when it comes to creating, is rather frightening. How much more can it be when it comes to our lives?  

It makes me think….

God has given us unlimited possibilities with what we can do here on this earth. There are so many different ways that each of our stories can turn out.

Just by changing a single note in a song, you can change the feel and direction of everything to follow. If you go up, you can make the song sound bright, encouraging, uplifting, hopeful; but by going down, you take the song down to a deeper feeling, possibly sad, melancholy, or foreboding.

The possibilities are endless. Off of each road, there may be another path, which again splits. Each will hold its own challenges, rewards and heartaches.

Jeremiah 6:16- “This is what the Lord says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Rest.

Rest for my soul. When I begin to look at the empty canvas of my future, that tends to be the last thing that comes to mind. So what am I missing? What else did that verse say?

Stand….look…ask….

Sometimes it all comes back to simple principles…”be still and know that I am God”…”ask and you shall receive”….”wait upon the Lord….”.

“Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” -Isaiah 30:21.

When I read that verse, it calms my fears. Fears of what could be or what might not be. He's already been there, because He knows which way is the good way. It He leads me in good paths, doesn't it make sense to embrace the possibilities instead of fear them? 

In this world of endless and overwhelming possibilities, it is comforting to know there is One who has walked before us. On each path He knows what will be required of us and He knows which ones we are ready to explore and those which would break us and lead to harm.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Oh the possibilities….